


This Body Never Felt Like Home

by ecs



Series: It's The Wrong Kind Of Place To Be Thinking Of You [3]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Hockey, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-04
Updated: 2015-03-04
Packaged: 2018-03-16 07:32:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3479666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ecs/pseuds/ecs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So he pulls on his jacket and reaches for the weathered map. Then, there’s a knock on his door.</p><p>“Uno minuti,” Jonny yells over his shoulder, figuring that the housekeeping service has come early this morning. He swings the door open and standing there is the last person Jonny expected to see in Italy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Body Never Felt Like Home

I.

Jonny does what he’s never done before. He goes to Italy. We’ll he’s been to Italy, but he’s never done something in such a spontaneous fashion before.

He gets off the flight, which he surprisingly slept through, feeling well-rested and excited. It was Italy for Chrissakes! Thats right — he was in goddamn Italy. Halfway around the world from Chicago, and more importantly, from the messy situation that was his entire life. But none of it even mattered anyway. None of it was important. Patrick Kane didn't matter, the Chicago Blackhawks didn’t matter, his own fucking mom didn’t matter — they didn’t matter because he was in goddamn Italy. 

Jonny had never been the guy to run from responsibility. His father always told him that being a man meant taking full acceptance of whatever came from his actions. When he was seven, he rightfully took the blame for forgetting to lock up the cage of the class hamster, which resulted in Freddie’s woeful escape and the entire class hating him for like, almost five months. But he admitted fault anyway because it was what he was raised to do. 

But here he is, years later, in another country, escaping his problems instead of handling them like he was taught to. He was sick of being good boy Jonny — I mean, look at where it got him. (not very far). He was 26 and in love with his best friend (AND teammate), who by the way, was in — for like the first time in his life — a serious relationship with a great girl who loved him dearly. Jonny's life was a disaster — a grade A, class one, disaster.

But Italy made him feel different... ike it would be okay, in the end. Because if all else failed, if everything else in his life went up in burning and desirous flames, he could still make it out alive. Burned by pain and scorched by humiliating embarrassment maybe, but he’d still make it out alive. If all else failed, he still had Italy. 

II. 

A half a world away, Patrick doesn’t know what to do. So he calls the other Patrick, Patrick Sharp, who is not helpful in calming his worries.

“But Sharpie, what exactly did he say to you? Was he panicked, upset, worried? Like, did it sound like someone died or like someone was kidnapping him? Like, you know Jonny. This isn’t like him in the slightest. Something’s wrong. I can feel it. What exactly did he say? Like, tell me the exact conversation Sharpie.”

“Uh, like he said something about it being for personal reasons. That he was going to a foreign country. I tried to get him to explain, but he said he couldn’t. It was weird, but not like kidnapping weird. He was in a rush, I think maybe he was going to the airport or something.”

“Jesus Christ,” Patrick breathes into the receiver. “This is not good. This is sooooo not good. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.”

“Are you having some kind of prayer ritual, Kaner?” Sharpie half attempts at a joke.

“Dude, are you KIDDING me? Toews is GONE. Like disappeared, vanished, no trace of him whatsoever. And you’re sitting here making goddamn jokes? Like this is funny or something. Because quite frankly, its not.”

“Okay, Pat calm down, please. I know it’s really weird and obviously I’m concerned. I love Toews, he’s one of my closest friends. But I also trust him. He’s responsible and he’s probably doing whats best for him right now, for whatever reason we don’t know.” 

“I gotta go, just try and help me find him, okay? for chrissakes Sharpie if its the last thing I ever ask of you, just find him,” Kaner says, hanging up the phone, feeling even more frustrated than before. A kind of helplessness. 

The feeling sitting in his chest is one of pure panic. It’s unadulterated fear. And it tightens Patrick’s stomach so much that he throws up. 

III. 

Meanwhile, Jonny has the best sex of his entire life. It’s hot, passionate sex— a half drunken fling with a beautiful, olive-skinned man, with a name so foreign Jonny doesn’t even think he can pronounce it right, in his dimly lit hotel in Venice. 

Its the best sex of his life, he thinks, as he sits in a nameless cafe where no one knows him. But the best sex of his life leaves him feeling incredibly empty. Empty because he knows that there is void inside of him, unfulfilled by random hookups and mind-blowing (yes mind-blowing) orgasms. It craves something deeper than just penetration. 

He has hockey, money, friends, and so, so much joy in his life — but none of that can ever take away the feeling that he’s missing something, or someone, that is leaving his life incomplete at the moment. And thats because he is. He’s missing love — he’s missing Patrick. And he thought that going to Italy meant escaping the acceptance of that feeling. But in the most ironic sense, it only made him see it clearer. 

He can’t lie anymore. Not to himself, not to the world, and surely not to Patrick. 

IV. 

Ring, ring.

Patrick, who is sitting with his head in between his legs, jumps at the sound of the phone and eagerly picks it up. The Caller ID says “Toews”. One word and five letters that make Patrick’s heart skyrocket.

“Jonny oh my god I was so worried,” he practically screams into the phone.

“Uh no- no, no. Not Jonny. Sorry. It’s Mrs. Toews. I had a very… strange encounter with Jonny… in Winnipeg… and its, uh, cause for concern and I think I need to tell you because you’re his best friend, if you don’t already know, because I’m afraid. I’m afraid I just ruined everything and I don’t know what to do,” she whispers into the line, her voice cracking at the words coming out. 

“What… What happened?” Patrick asks. But he doesn’t really want to know. He has a feeling that whatever she’s about to tell him will change everything.

“Jonny’s gay, Patrick. And if he didn’t tell you already, then you’re probably just as shocked as I am. It came out of nowhere, I think. He told me and I didn’t react well, you know, because I didn’t see it coming. And I tried to run after him, but he wouldn’t stop the car. I didn’t mean to ruin everything but I did.”

Patrick feels like he is thirteen again. He’s riding his bicycle with the other neighborhood kids and he’s doing exactly what his mother said not to do — wearing socks with those one strap Adidas flip-flops. He’s stupid and he looks the part. He’s thirteen and stupid and he looses grip on the peddle and he flies off his bike and hits the ground. He’s not seriously injured, but the wind gets knocked out of him and he can’t breathe. Except now he’s twenty six and he finds out his best friend is gay and he can’t breathe — not necessarily a bad, falling off your bike type of feeling — but he’s shell-shocked, nonetheless.

“Are you there?” 

“Yeah, sorry. I’m here. No I didn’t know. But thank you for telling me, Mrs. Toews. I’ll try to find him. It’s not your fault, really, it’s not your fault,” he says, once he can link words into sentences. 

~

Patrick hacks into Jonny’s bank account using the password UNDSioux19 (sooo uncreative, he thinks) and finds out that Jonny has recently purchased a flight to Italy and booked a hotel in Florence. Bingo.

So what does Patrick do? He books the next flight to Florence. Thats what he does.

V. 

Its a warm, summer day in Florence. Hot but without the humidity. And Jonny decides he needs a little bit of distraction so he’s mapped out an entire itinerary for his day. He wants to explore, take his mind off things for a little… Take his mind off of things before he he leaves Italy and the nice little shell he’s made for himself here. 

Sometimes, he thinks about leaving it all behind and staying here. He loves hockey, he loves his home and his team and all of his friends, but he could leave it behind. The only thing thats stopping him from doing that is the voice thats telling him he’ll never be happy here. Not happy in the way he wants to be, at least. He can’t be happy, he can’t move on, until his feelings are in the air. 

So he pulls on his jacket and reaches for the weathered map. Then, there’s a knock on his door.

“Uno minuti,” Jonny yells over his shoulder, figuring that the housekeeping service has come early this morning. He swings the door open and standing there is the last person Jonny expected to see in Italy.

“UNDSioux19,” Patrick says, because he doesn’t know what else is appropriate. Surely opening the conversation with “Hey you’re mom called me and told you were gay” isn't the ideal direction to start off with. 

Jonny stands there frozen, unmoving and unsure of what to do. He can’t breathe or think, let alone move his legs, which feel as if they're glued to the carpet.

“I fly all the way from New York and you’re not even going to let me into your hotel room?” 

“Sorry,” Jonny says weakly. “Come in.” 

“Man, we’ve all been worried sick about you. I mean you leave the continent right before the annual convention for “personal reasons” that you can’t explain and you don’t even call me? Sharpie and the rest of the team were so confused because this isn’t like you. At all. Your mom, for chrissakes, don’t even get me started on what you’ve put her through,” Patrick starts his rant.

“You talked to my mom,” Jonny drawls slowly, realization settling in like dust after a storm. It’s not a question but Patrick answers it like one.

“Yeah. Of course I did. She was freaking out, dude, like freaking out,” Patrick starts up again, but stops. “Are you… you know…?” It’s a question that Patrick doesn’t want to ask and a question that Jonny doesn’t want to answer.

“Yeah, I am.” He bites his lip and waits for the weight to lift off his shoulders. But it doesn’t.

VI.

So it’s true, Patrick thinks, Jonny is gay. He doesn’t say anything at first. He just tries to process his feelings. Amid the wide range of emotions he tries to comprehend, there is anger. It rises, and rises, until it flushes in Patrick’s freckled cheeks. 

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me,” Patrick says through gritted teeth. “We’re best friends. And you don’t tell me that you’re gay. Did you, like, not think that was important or something?”

“Come on, don’t-“ Jonny pleads but he’s cut off. 

“And then you leave the god damn country and you don’t even think to call me — you call Sharpie instead. Don’t I fucking matter to you, Jonny? Cause it sure doesn’t seem like I do.”

“Obviously you matter to me, Kaner. That isn’t the point of this whole… thing.”   
“Then, whats the goddamn point, Jonny? When we’re you going to come back, anyway? You have responsibilities back home, back in Chicago. You owe it to our fucking team to show up, you owe it to me, to our friendship, to call me when you decide to pack up and leave because you’re going through a rough time.”

~

Jonny feels overwhelmed, the whole ordeal is too much for him. He feels like he’s about to have a panic attack. 

“Kaner, please. Shut up, just shut up,” he’s almost yelling now. His skin is on fire and he can’t focus. Everything feels hazy. He doesn’t know anything except that he needs Patrick to shut up, so he can breathe again.

“You know what? I didn’t come all the way to fucking Italy for you to be an asshole, Toews. You’re the one who should be sucking my dick right now, apologizing on your fucking knees for putting me through hell. I’ll see you at home, if you ever grow the balls to face your problems and come back,” Patrick says, the anger seething through his teeth, hurt dripping off each word. 

And with a slam of the door, Patrick is gone. 

VII. 

Jonny flies to Chicago. 

He calls his mom to tell her that he doesn’t hate her but that he doesn’t exactly want to talk either. Not right now, anyway.

He calls Q, explains very briefly why he felt the need to go away, apologizes about his decision not to attend the convention and tells him that he’ll be ready to practice with the team, if he’s allowed to.

He calls Sharpie and texts the rest of the team, tells them that he’s home and okay.

But he doesn’t call or text Kaner, whose probably pissed beyond words and wouldn’t pick up the phone, anyway.

A month later, the team is all together for the first time. They’re starting to train together again, in preparation for the upcoming season. 

Jonny stands up in front of the team, reporters and all, and apologizes to the entire organization for being absent the last few months, physically, mentally, and emotionally. With shaky legs and a racing heartbeat, he announces his sexuality to the public. It’s a big moment for Jonny — I mean, huge, really — and he does it alone and without support, because Kaner gets up in the middle of the press conference and leaves the room. 

The sound of the slammed door is a confirmation of Patrick’s feelings about Jonny. It’s been more than a month and with each day he goes without talking to his best friend, he is more sure that his relationship with Patrick is unfixable.

 

VIII. 

It’s three months into the season and it’s one of Patrick’s days off. He’s on his couch, skimming through his twitter timeline when there’s a knock at the door.

Its Jonny, standing there like he has a million times before. But it feels different this time. 

“We need to talk,” he says. Those are four words no one ever wants to hear. 

“Okay. Then talk,” Patrick returns. He tries to sound angry, but seeing Jonny standing there looking like he hasn’t had something to smile about in a long time, drains all the bitterness out of Patrick.

“I’m quitting,” he just says flatly, with a twinge of sadness in his voice. 

“Quitting what?”

“The Blackhawks. Hockey. The whole thing,” Jonny says with lowered eyes. At first, Patrick thinks this is some guilt trip to make him forgive Jonny, but when they make eye contact, he knows its not. 

“You can’t quit. You’re a damn good hockey player. OK, so you’re having a rough season. We all have those. But quitting is cowardly.”

“Listen, it’s not about my season. Not at all really. It’s personal. Anyway, I didn’t come here to argue. I just came here to tell you because I figured that you deserved to hear it from me. I owed it to you and to the friendship we had,” Jonny mumbles before turning towards the door.

“Goddamnit. It’s always personal with you. Why can’t you just ever say how you feel? Why can’t you just let down whatever wall you’ve built and tell me what the hell is going on with you?” Patrick says exasperated. They are the words he has wanted to say for a long time. Jonny turns around and stares at him incredulously. 

“Because I’m fucking in love with you, Patrick. Don’t you get it, goddamnit? I’ve been whoring around all summer trying to find some girl that makes me feel the same way that you do. But I can’t. And thats the truth. So I go to Winnipeg and tell my mom, cause I can’t tell you because I wasn’t ready to have this conversation with you, and then telling my mom blew up in my face. So I had no one really. You have no idea how alone and scared I was. So I call Sharpie and leave the fucking country because no one taught me what to do when you suddenly start to have feelings for your best friend, and not to mention teammate, whose by the way, straight, to make matters worse. And then when you showed up in Italy, I freaked out. Because I was planning on telling you but I hadn’t thought of what to say and then you showed up unexpectedly and you knew I was gay and then I couldn’t tell you because it would ruin our friendship. But that happened anyway. So why the hell am I even telling you now? Because I have nothing left to lose, Patrick. I’ve already lost it all. I don’t even give a damn about hockey anymore, it’s lost meaning for me. So I’m letting down the team, the coaches, the fans, everyone. I have to quit.”

It comes out before Jonny can stop it. The words roll off his tongue like water being freed from a dam. Its out of his control. Everything is out there and there isn’t anything he can do about it. So just he turns and leaves. He leaves Patrick standing there with his heart pounding in his chest and pale lips trembling. 

IX. 

“Wait”

One word. Four letters. 

“Wait”

One word and four letters that changes everything.

 

~

“Wait.”

“Patrick, you don’t have to do this. I don’t want the awkward ‘we can still be friends’ talk.”

“Just wait,” Kaner heaves out, after finally catching up with Jonny who was already halfway down the driveway when Patrick finally comprehended what Jonny was telling him. 

“Please, don’t do this. I don’t need this… it’s the last thing I need,” Jonny begs. 

“Don’t do this?” Patrick asks, before grabbing Jonny’s face and pressing their lips together. It’s the kiss that Jonny has envisioned a thousand times before, the kiss that he has dreamed about a million times. Except it’s better. It’s better because its real.

X.

New feelings and new relationships are always complicated. It’s never a kiss and then happily ever after. Figuring out how to be with someone new is hard. It’s hard, but it’s also exciting. It’s exciting and fun and just downright adventurous. 

As Ernest Hemingway once brilliantly stated, “Go all the way with it. Do not back off. For once, go all the goddamn way with what matters.”

il finale

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to all the readers who Kudos and Commented on these works. It was a fun piece to write.
> 
> I know the ending is kind of vague but I think the fun in the vagueness is the reader getting to make up their own finish to the story. Thanks again!


End file.
